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It was who she was; and she understood that by accepting that simple fact, she had cut herself off, not only from her family, but from her entire Amish community. Her decision had been made. Rumspringa for her was over, and she had opted for the outside life of the "English" world, the only kind of life that she could pursue as a lesbian.I was stunned. I verged on feeling guilty for my perceived role in driving a wedge between Sarah and her customs, but I knew that was arrogance. I gave her credit for knowing her own heart and sexuality. I knew the whole decision must be tearing her up inside, and not knowing how serious a rift this would create with her Amish family and church, my fears for her ranged from ostracism to condemnation.I understood now that she was poised at a fork in the road, and desperately hesitant to commit herself with the next step. With that next step leading to me, the library had simply been the physical locus of her hesitation. But she had forsaken the safe. Through this faze in my life I was especially attracted to scene , emo, and goth girls. I would search the web for emo sluts and anything where there would be pale looking emo girls. This sexual preference led all the way to high school where I started as a freshman. I had serious issue in gym class we were required to change in to short sleeve shirts and gym shorts. I was terribly uncomfortable letting the jocks see my under developed body the most popular jocks were in the football team and with no surprise they were black and very manly developed, 6 feet tall or more pretty bulky from weight training and lots of body hair and body odor.When I was changing in the locker room one jock would occasionally come up to me and ask me for deodorant or an extra shirt which I would always tell him to buzz off. But this just made him pick on me calling a pussy for not sharing and would pull my pants down when we were jogging or playing basketball. This just added to my shyness. Not long after.
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